me to a T - Tracey Odachowski

May 25th - 2 years since my last day of work
May 26th - 2 years of being on disability

and, by far the most important…

May 29th - 7 years married to the most perfect man in the universe.

Not that we got to do much for it. Didn’t have a babysitter, so we spent the day entertaining the kids, spreading weed and feed, and taking naps. Hopefully, when and if Dad comes next week, we’ll get a night out, just us and the X-Men. It’s funny, though - we seem to make more hooplah over the day that we met than the day that we were married. We even call it our metaversary. I know; sickeningly cute. Deal with it. We’re cute. And I love it.

Now, about those other two anniversaries. They suck. Such a hard realization that it is occurring. I miss my job. I’m terrified that I won’t remember a thing when I get back to it. I know I’m progressing, but gosh, some days it sure doesn’t feel like it. This evening, I had to meet with Gabe’s teacher about next year, and she showed me a prayer that he dictated to her today…something along the lines of, “Dear God, My mommy is hurt because she had a baby. Please take care of her…” I sobbed like a baby after reading it. I hate that he knows. Hate being like this. But I just have to keep reminding myself that it won’t be this way forever.

Funny, all I could think about on Thursday was how I spent my last day of work. I had a patient who was dying. He had alot of post-surgical complications, and we were keeping him alive for his family to get there. He and his wife were one of those cute old couples that still held hands. They were just like Chris and I - totally in love, no matter how many years are behind them. And I just wanted her to get there. I knew we were going to withdraw support on him sometime during that day, but I just didn’t want him to die before she got there. He almost did. I vividly remember it. He had been taken off of dialysis, and his electrolytes were at dangerous levels. His heart started to slow to a rate of about 30. He was dying.

I frantically called the resident, and started the medications that he needed to stay alive a little while longer. Thankfully, he started to stabilize. His wife walked in about 20 minutes later while I was giving him more medicine - glucose, I believe. She asked what I was doing. I explained what had just happened, and that I had wanted to give him the medicine so that she could make it there.

She cried.

She hugged me, whispered ‘Thank You’ in my ear, then asked me to stop. We would just let things take their course. So be it. But then, I was even more determined. You see, he was not in a private room, and, gosh darn it, he should have been. So I fought and argued, and I made them allow me to move him to a private room. A family should be able to grieve in peace. And moreso, the 3 other patients in those rooms, and their families, should not have to watch someone die. Within an hour or so, we moved him. I hobbled with my pregnant belly, pushing his heavy bed down the hall, having contractions. Probably part of the reason my doctor wrote me out the next day. But I didn’t care. I was going to be there for this man and his wife if it was the last thing I did as a nurse. Little did I know it would be.

His immediate family slowly trickled in, both sad and relieved. Asking me about my pregnancy to get their mind off of things. Then, finally, around 2:00pm, they were ready. I explained what would happen. We would turn his medications off. He was on several medications supporting his heart function at the time. I was fairly certain that within 10 minutes, he would pass, but there would be no guarantees. I turned off the monitor, choosing to watch it from my station across the room. I turned off the IV pumps. His family chose not to disconnect the ventilator. So, I sat back down and waited. His children started to say their goodbyes. And within about 5 minutes, he was gone.

I remember walking over to them, and telling them. I still remember their cries. I remember almost every little detail about that room. They stayed with him for a few minutes, then I gave them the option to go to a private room while I cleaned him. Sometimes it is easier for families to see them without all of the tubes. So they did. I removed everything. Washed him. Put fresh linens on, and drew up his bed. He looked so peaceful. I went to get his family. His wife thought he looked wonderful. Some of his children just couldn’t look. But every last one of them came up to me and gave me a hug, thanking me.

That is why I am a nurse.

Because sometimes, it is about taking immaculate care of a family rather than a patient.

And that is why I miss it so much.

When I posted earlier, I forgot about two very important things that happened in the past two days…

1. Emily had her 18 month check-up today. We discovered that she has inherited her brother’s seasonal allergies, but is otherwise quite healthy. She weighed 26 1/2 pounds (50th %ile), and is a whopping 31 1/2 inches tall (90th %ile). When the doctor was putting her height on the chart she said, “Wow. Is her father tall?” To which I responded, “Is that a polite was of saying that she didn’t inherit her height from me??” Seriously. I actually said that! LOL!

2. I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That’s right. Yesterday I got the official word that, after the 10-month-long process that I have endured, I won my appeal for my disability! So, I can finally stop worrying about my family being financially stable while I get physically better enough to return to work. And stress off the mind can do wonders in the healing process. Also, on the disability front, after a two-month-long ‘flare-up’, if you will, it seems like the pain has finally calmed down for a while, and I’m having my first good week in months. Like I said…stress off the mind is a powerful medicine. Thanks to those who have endured my griping about all of this for so long. I’m sure there will be more, but it’s great to be able to deliver some good news about my ailments on occasion. Also, I’m scheduled for a routine 6-month checkup of the tumor next Friday, so prayers please that it still looks fine and benign!

Ugh. Been meaning to post all week just to get it all off of my chest so I can sleep. I don’t know why I haven’t. But I guess there is no better time than the present.

I’m sick of pain.

I hate it. Hate every last minute of it. Just when I take a few steps ahead, I fall behind again.

This darn leg/hip/back/whatever of mine is driving me insane. Granted things have been going pretty well for a little while w/ it. We changed my exercise routine at therapy, and I could really tell they were working. But SOMETHING happened at therapy on Thursday, and I felt as bad as I did a year ago: taking 2 minutes to hobble across the room, pain shooting down my leg, the whole nine yards. It was soooo weird. I was feeling fine. Then, in the middle of one of the exercises, my left thigh was REALLY feeling ‘the burn’ (you know, that whole lactic acid feeling you get when working out). During the next exercise, I couldn’t seem to keep my left hip up. So the assistant had me turn over and squeeze my buttocks, to which the left simply didn’t respond. At all. So we stopped to wait for my therapist. During that 10 minutes, the pain slowly built up until I was simply in tears. Right there in the middle of the gym. Couldn’t walk. Couldn’t even lift my left leg up to cross my legs. Nothing. So, no exercises for a week. But the pain was still there - a TENS machine, 2 vicodin, 1 valium, ice, a heating pad, and Biofreeze gel did NOTHING. And, of course, when I tried to go to bed that night, for some idiotic, inexplicable reason, valium keeps me awake, so I couldn’t sleep. Finally I did, though, only to have to wake up at 5:30 am to go to a doctor appointment. You see, about the only good part of this story is that I already had an appt with my Orthopedist on Friday. What a wonderful freakin doctor she is! LOVE her. She explained that it was probably just a flare-up, gave me to shots of numbing medicine along two of the spasming muscles in my butt, and sent me on my way. At least I could walk better!

So, the weekend has been a slow recovery from whatever the heck happened last week. Frustrating. Oh, and I’ve also decided that I can’t stand it when people try to make me feel better about all of this and say, “Well, at least you have been able to stay home with your kids b/c of the disability.” Yeah. Sure. Very true. But I would much rather be working and be able to spend QUALITY time w/ my kids doing stuff w/ them than having to hear Chris explain to Gabe why I can’t walk up the stairs to read stories in bed. Pisses me off. (sorry for the french). I hate not being able to do more fun things w/ the kids, all because I slow us up. Or taking more trips. ANYTHING really.

So that’s it, I guess. Now that I’ve finally written it down, perhaps I can put my crappy mood behind me and get back to my usual sunny self. So in an effort to do that, let’s turn the mood of this post around…

The Olympics are on!!! And I’m not pregnant during them! Granted, it’s the SUMMER Olympics that I’m always pregnant for. Which, I better not be pregnant for that one, either!!! Chris and I are soaking up the sports for the only time that we ever watch them every two years. I even watched a hockey game yesterday! All b/c it is the Olympics! We went to an ice skating rink today for a birthday party, and all I could remember was wanting to be a figure skater or gymnast when I was little. I even bough a Peggy Fleming instruction book from one of the Scholastic book flyers…because I thought I was going to learn to ice skate on the 10′x10′ patch of ice in the back yard??? That makes me laugh! Yeah, no lessons and such for me as a kid. My parents made TJ and I play softball b/c that’s what they played. Our parent were awesome at that sport (heck, dad is 61 and he STILL plays and beats all of the young kids at it). TJ and I, to put it kindly, sucked. Big time. Darn sport made my nose bigger! (literally, it did. I broke my nose trying to catch a ball in 7th grade. Did I mention I sucked? You are supposed to catch it with the mitt!!!) But that was pretty much the only sport available in the community when we were kids, so that’s what we played. Thank goodness for gym class and the hockey stick! So, anywho, I get to live out my Peggy Fleming and Dorothy Hammill dreams watching the Olympics every 4 years. Maybe Emily will want to be a figure skater…you gotta live through your kids, right?

Sorry for the downer above. I’m back to my regularly scheduled programming now!

I am thankful for this cute little pine cone turkey that Gabe made me. I love that he loves school.

I am thankful that every night I get to sleep next to my soulmate.

I am thankful that I have two, beautiful, healthy children that, although loudly at times, manage to fill my every day with laughs.

I am thankful that God has made me appreciate everything that comes my way. Nothing has come easily, especially as of late, but that has made me be thankful for it even more when it does.

I am thankful for meeting people who are finally taking care of me.

I am thankful for the many people that I have met and known. Friends have come my way in the most unusual and unorthodox of ways.

I am thankful that the pies I burned Monday night turned out to taste better than any I’ve ever made. (go figure)

I am thankful for Monica, whose family is welcoming us with open arms for dinner tonight.

I am thankful for my parents. I may have not always agreed with them on the way I was being raised, but without it, I wouldn’t be where I am now. So much of what makes me the person I am is grounded in what I experienced in my younger years.

I am thankful for having a big brother, with all of his metrosexual pink shirts, and for the wonderful sister-in-law and nephew he gave me. I am not thankful for all of the times he slamed my fingers in the car door, chased me through the house, pressed my foot down on the accelerator the first time I drove, called me ski-slope nose, teased me in choir, ….

I am thankful for scrapbooking because I can save memories for my kids.

I am thankful for my many good fortunes in the scrapbooking industry this year, and pray for more to come. It makes me feel good that I can actually DO something.

I am thankful for this blog because somehow I am able to speak better on it than I can with my own mouth.

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Also of note, last night I received a call from Rachel, my new case manager at Liberty Mutual. (SOOOO glad to get rid of the case manager I had previously - talk about no personality). I was supposed to have a final decision on my disability by yesterday. However, it seems that my eligibility date has been wrong. In fact, I wasn’t eligible for benefits until March 1, 2004. Why is this important? Well, there is a ‘pre-existing condition’ clause in my insurance: “Benefits are not paid for disabilities which are the result of conditions in any way related to a condition that existed before you become insured.” Why does that matter? I was being seen for my pregnancy starting in February. So, if they determine that my current condition is related to the pregnancy, they can chose not to cover me. And that’s alot of money GONE. The good news is that Rachel is going to try really hard to make it work. It almost sounded as if she was in tears to have to tell me all of this. Normally, they cannot have a case in their office for more than 10 days, but she has requested to keep in longer so that she can get this worked out. She will send it back to the medical staff for review on Monday, and hopefully I will get an answer by the end of next week. I’m trying to stay hopeful, stay positive, pray that we will still have a good Christmas and that this won’t ruin it for me, but it is hard. This has been such a roller coaster, and I just can’t take much more. I promised myself as a child, when we had so very little, that I would never struggle for money again in my life. And here I am. We are still ok for a little while, but it is so very hard to see the savings you worked so hard for dwindle before your eyes, and you have nothing you can do about it. And feeling as if it is all my fault. But alas, it is Thanksgiving, and I need to stay optimistic, so I must find something to be thankful for, despite all of the pain (both physically and mentally) that this has caused me. So:

I am thankful for Rachel, who seems to be trying very hard for someone she doesn’t know.

I am thankful for being able to spend so much time with my children over the past year and a half.

I am thankful for the days I can walk without pain. I love those days.

I am thankful that not all things come easily, and that God can keep me humble because of it.

A very very Happy Thanksgiving to all. Please use this day to give thoughT to what you are truly thankful for. Love to all and God bless.

…NIGN!!!! BENIGN!! BENIGN!!! I proved them right! No cancer! So we just check it via xray every 6 months and hope it stays that way. Yippeee!

About Friday…it was a great day. I just didn’t get the chance to post it all then. Friday, I met the new love of my life - my orthopedist! And for the first time in 1 1/2 years of pain, I finally have ANSWERS!!! PROGRESS!!! RESULTS!!! A PLAN!!!

First things first - about the tumor on my leg. I got to see it (on the MRIs and X-rays) - kind of freaky. You can see my femur (large bone in upper portion of the leg), and then there is the white mass in the middle of it. On cross section in the MRIs, it fills the bone marrow cavity. But it has clean edges, which is a good sign - most likely benign. Dr Reed estimated it to be about 1.5 inches x 1.5 inches. So, tomorrow I have to call to get a bone scan scheduled. This is a scan during which they inject dye into my vein which is taken up by the tumor. Then the 1st scan. A few hours later, they scan again to see how much it ‘took’. This will indicate whether it is metabolically active. We don’t want it to be! If it is showing activity, I will meet with an orthopedic oncologist and go from there. If not, we will leave well enough alone and check it every six months to monitor for growth/changes. Let’s pray for the latter, ok??? But Dr Reed is very optimistic. A bit concerned that the area aches every once in a while, but things should be good. So, let’s stick w/ that idea b/c I’m in a good mood and want to be positive.

So, now on to the great part about Friday. She knows what is wrong with me! And she is supportive! And she is getting stuff DONE! Man, this chick rocks! Really - when I walked in there Friday, I truly was reaching the edge of what I could handle mentally from this whole crap w/ my hip and back. The disability denial; my regular practioner not always the best; 2 failed injections into my hip to try to reduce the pain…shall I go on? Nah…let’s get to the good news. According to her, I have Sacroiliac joint dysfunction. Let me break that down…you know the 2 dimples you have at the base of your back/top of your butt?? (c’mon, even skinny people have these, not just me!) Ok - that is the SI joint. Usually, this joint has VERY little movement. However, during pregnancy, the joint relaxes to accomodate the baby. AFterwards, it usually goes back to normal. But mine was so severe and the nerve irritation in the area so bad during Emily’s pregnancy, it’s still around. Add to that the fact that it has been misdiagnosed, mismanaged, and even more irritated over the past year, it is still here in full force.

So…progress…physical therapy in the military sucks. It is no where NEAR the caliber of therapy I was receiving while I was in California. Here, it was actually made worse. Dr Reed got around this by also stating that I have pelvic floor dysfunction. Let’s not get into all that…I’ll just simplify it by saying the military doesn’t do therapy for that, so it imediately gets refered to the network (i.e., civilian therapists). I get to find a therapist that specializes in treatment for my disorder, AND is close to my home. YAY! Can you give me a HALELUHAH!!!

Also, The Most Excellent Dr Reed as specifically stated on my evaluation “pt not able to return to work as a nurse estimated will be unable to return for approx 6-9months more months.” Take that disability insurance. Believe me now??? Ok - it really sucks that I STILL can’t return to work as I’m really itching to, but at least now, hopefully, that little statement will help me win my appeal and I can get paid again. And we can go out to dinner again. And did I mention that I’d really love to have a cleaning service come in here? Just once???

More about the fabulous Dr Reed - she even gave me her pager number and email address. Ok. This just DOESN’T happen at the military doctors, so this is unprecedented. Did I mention how much I am in love with this woman? I think she must have thought I was crazy. But she was pretty crazy, too. My kind of woman. Laughed and cursed the whole time I was in there. She was good therapy. So, this week, wish me luck…the writing of the disability appeal letter finally begins.

Ok, Eddie…I didn’t mention Battlestar in my last post. That would be because it wasn’t ON yet when I posted! Ahh, yes, if you look at the time of the post, it is 38 minutes after it ended, but, alas, the time on this thing is 4 hours off, and I can’t, for the life of me, figure out the code to change it. So, here it is…you see, folks, my sci-fi-crazed hubby has made me obsessed w/ Sci-Fi channel’s series “Battlestar Gallactica.” And, besides the fact that there is some great eye candy on there, it’s a pretty darn good series! We just can’t wait for Friday nights to roll around! Accept, of course, when they break the bad news to you that the season is over in SEPTEMBER and won’t be back on again until JANUARY!!!!! FRACK! (yup - that’s how the get away w/ ‘cursing’ on television - they say ‘frack’ instead of another word. I kind of like it! Cracks me up!) So, go ahead. Make fun of me - I’m a sci-fi freak and I LIKE it!!!

Ok…I have rambled enough. This is so long I doubt anyone will read it! Nighty night!!!

Highs…got a lot of great assignments for the mags this week. VERY excited to do some of them! And, money right now is a VERY good thing.

Lows…getting down again waiting for all of these crazy test results. I went back to Portsmouth today to have the MRA of my right hip -all went well. But I was hoping that they would have the results of the left hip one…the one that hurst…nope. Evidentally it has been ‘examined’ but not ‘transcribed’. Annoying. Very annoying. So, now I have to wait another week or more. I just want to know. Though, the same doctor who injected the dye last week did it today also and said that, on his end at least, (which, is pretty much just an xray), it looked fine. Which, really, isn’t what I want to hear. I need an answer. I need a reason WHY I’ve been hurting for 1 1/2 years. Why I’m limping across my house. It is NOT all in my head. I FEEL it. And SOMEBODY needs to tell me WHY.

So, I sit and wait, still on the other side of the stethoscope. Very annoyed.

Ok. I’ve just check my blog and my emails, and all I can say is wow…you guys are wonderful. Your messages of support, encouragement, well, EVERYTHING are just amazing. I would have never expected this last night when I was writing it all. LIke I said - I was writing it for me, not really thinking anyone would read it at the time. It just felt good writing it all down. And, wow. I feel so much more liberated today.

Unfortunately, finding different doctors isn’t always available to me - military insurance is pretty cut and dry. But, I did have to switch to a new nurse practitioner yesterday, and, although my last one was good, this one is great. On the ball. Getting things done. Setting up different referrals b/c she doesn’t think the originally referred doctors are compassionate enough. Man, gotta love that! You know, as a nurse, I have long said that my profession is full of people that are polar opposites. You have nurses that are there for the job, and those that are there that CARE. I consider myself the latter. I want my patients to know that I love my job. My theory is, “How would you want to be treated if you were lying in that bed?” Well, now I know.

So, anywho, I’m in a better mood today. Happier entries on the way. I mean, hey, my baby turns ONE tomorrow!!!!! Yikes! What a crazy week!

Today has been a very bad day. One of those that you totally want to forget about. However, my brain doesn’t seem to want to forget and let me go to sleep, so I thought, maybe if I write it down, all will be better.

Pain has been a part of my life for a year and a half now. What started as pregnancy-related sciatica has turned into doctor’s appointments every week. I currently have a primary care manager, a chiropractor, and 4 specialists - pain, orthopedics, cardiology, and neurology. At 29, this is too much for me. Today I have reached my breaking point. And all I’ve done is cry.

My instincts should have told me during the pregnancy with Emily that it was way more than just sciatica. It was intense. I could barely walk. My hip would lock. But every time I told someone about it, I was told that it would go away after delivery. Ok. I’ll believe that. But it didn’t. And still, for nine months after that, I was told it would go away. Here’s some pain medicine. And still, it didn’t. It took losing my disability insurance and a lot of pressure on my part to finally wake up all of these crazy doctors into believing that, in fact, it’s not going away. And I want to know why. And so does the insurance company, because they aren’t going to pay anymore until they know. So, the tests began. It started with an xray of my left hip. Which led to an MRI. Which led to an xray of my right hip. Which led to an ultrasound of my pelvis. Which is leading to two MRAs of each hip in the next two weeks. And the addition of the pain and orthopedic specialists.

You see, while trying to find out what is wrong with my left hip and back, they managed to find something else. Because I needed something else right now. Evidentally, there is some sort of mass called an endochondroma on my right femur. A what? Some sort of density. Don’t know why it’s there. Not a clue. But it is. And, as small as the chance may be at this moment, there is a chance that it is the big C. Cancer. At 29. With 2 kids, a husband and a dog. And an insurance company that doesn’t believe me. I know the likelihood is small, but it’s still there, and it nags me. Having 2 grandmothers that died of cancer doesn’t help. And, most likely if it is cancerous or not, it will have to be removed. Surgically. Because I needed something else on my plate. And, if it is large, that means bone grafting, too. This is all that I was told today when I met my new nurse practitioner. Who set up another orthopedic consult because the first one wasn’t good enough for Tricare to approve. Why? Who knows. I give up trying to figure out all insurance at this point. So, now I have to wait for that appointment to figure out exactly what I face over the next couple of months.

But, back to the left hip. I just keep having this mysterious pain that no one can figure out. The xray was fine. The MRI was fine. The ultrasound was fine. The MRA is ordered. But I’m not fine. I was doing pretty good up until last week. I could actually walk for up to an hour, leisurely, without too much pain. I was only taking the Vicodin once or twice a week. I was actually starting to nag my Chiropractor about going back to work before the bills really stack up. Because, remember, I haven’t had a disability check for 3 months and 5 days now. But then I saw the pain specialist. Who is supposed to take it away. He believes that my sacroiliac nerve and joint was so irritated for so long during the pregnancy, that now it is resistant to treatment and is taking forever to heal. There have been times that it has gotten better, then something happens to make it worse - a fall down the stairs; travelling in the car for more than 45 minutes; having to lie flat for tests. Enter in having to chase two kids around all of the time, and it doesn’t really have the chance to heal. So, he decided to try a steroid injection along the nerve, warning me that sometimes, in women my age, it actually makes things worse, instead of better. Well, consider me the “Sometimes” factor. If it is odd and rare, it will happen to me. So, I have been in excruciating amounts of pain for the past 10 days now. Vicodin and valium every day. And trying to take care of the kids. By the end of the evening, I can’t even sit anymore. I lay on my stomach on the floor while the dog cuddles between my legs and Chris lathers my back and hip with Icy Hot. Hey, I’ll try anything at this point.

So, today, I broke. I’ve cried like a baby. Not only out of fear of what is to come, but what has already been. And what I’m putting my family through, having to be fruggle, worrying about saving money, all because my salary is gone. I swore to myself growing up that I would never worry about money. Yet, here I am. Things are ok now, but how much longer will the savings last? Especially not knowing what lies ahead?

This is what it is like on the other side of the stethoscope. I will never again be the same nurse that I was before.