me to a T - Tracey Odachowski

I love this kid. There’s no denying that. So many people make comments to us about what a wonderful boy he is. So, it breaks my heart when things in his life aren’t absolutely perfect.

Last night, after his bath, I was waiting in his bed to cuddle with him and read a story. Because the kids had argued (a ton) in the bathtub, I told him that he wasn’t going to be allowed to go downstairs before bedtime, and instead we would cuddle upstairs that evening. His eyes started to tear up, his lips started to quiver, and he said to me, “But it makes me sad that I don’t get to spend more time with my family.”

Break my heart, I tell ya. I totally teared up.

He went on to say that it makes him sad that he is in school and he doesn’t get to stay home with me all day anymore. I, of course, started to question everything that is about to happen in our lives with me returning to work. I explained to him that we all have to go to school as it is a part of growing up. He said, “But Emily gets to stay home with you more than I do.” I replied that he stayed home with me just as much when he was Emily’s age. It didn’t matter. For some reason, going back to school for him was really difficult him this time around. He just wants to stay home with his mama.

Yeah, heart breaking more here.

I started to worry. I told him that in a few weeks, I was going back to work, and even Emily wouldn’t be able to stay home with me. Should I not return to my career? Should I stay at home, sell our house, and move to something much smaller? He said to me, “Oh no, Mommy. When you go back to work, I get to go to Child Care [there is a day care at their school] after school, and I love Child Care. I want you to go to work so I can go to Child Care!” Ummm, ok. How do we get past this???? I certainly can’t keep him home for the next two weeks that I’m off.

Well, he managed to weasel his way downstairs despite the punishment, probably b/c I felt so bad for him. Eh, what’s a few more minutes of cuddling, right? I asked him again if he wanted me to go back to work. He said yes, for the same reason as above, and because he wants to come visit me at my office and bring me lunch. So darn sweet. Well, then I started to question the fact that I’m supposed to go to Peg’s tonight to crop. I asked him if he wanted me to stay home instead. He said, “Nope. You have to go to Miss Peg’s because you like to scrapbook, and because Friday night is Daddy-Gabe night. You can’t be here.” (It’s a ritual in our house that Chris and Gabe spend Friday evenings together watching movies/playing/whatever they want after Emily goes to bed.)

So I’m thinking that ‘THAT’ age has finally hit where school just isn’t cool anymore. I’m trying to look at this in a positive way. That returning to work doesn’t make me a bad mother. My mother had to work outside of the home, and we made out just fine. I know we could probably finagle our budget to allow me to be a SAHM, but doing so would sacrifice keeping our kids in private school. I don’t want that, and, quite frankly, neither does Gabe. He loves his school. We love his school. It’s absolutely fabulous, it’s one mile from our house, and there is a child care there, too. I don’t have to worry about them there. They come home singing ‘Jesus loves me’ and reciting Bible verses, which I think is absolutely wonderful. I’m not prepared to give that up. So, as a result, I have to return to work, and our family has to go through a major life adjustment. And I have to find a way not to feel guilty about doing something for me, which, really, in turn should, for the most part, be a very positive thing for my family as well.

I just needed to know that I have the children’s blessing to do this, and they made it quite clear that I do. (although it seems one of them would much rather spend all day on the playground at child care than having to work on passing second grade.)

Ugh. Motherhood is NOT an easy job. God bless all of the Mothers out there!!!!