thoughTs 10/12
And here’s what I wrote for it yesterday (10/11)while waiting during my Bone Scan…
They told me that it probably isn’t cancer. The edges are clean, not jagged. It is contained within the marrow, near the proximal edge of my femur. A little achy, but nothing to write home about. They told me it should be fine.
Yet, here I sit in the hospital library alone. Radiation in my veins. I have one more hour to wait until I find out whether what They Told Me is true. What will the scan show?
I’ve been pretty optimistic since I found out in August. I relied on what they told me. But, admittedly, this morning has been hard. I’ve stared at white, brown, and black linoleum, carpet, cobblestone, and grass until I finally realized that, all morning, I’ve been staring at the ground. Which means my head was down. Not very optimisitic.
Twice I picked my head up and I noticed to very different things.
The first time was just after I left nuclear medicine. In the hallway, I decided to look up and saw the sign for oncology. Of all departments I had to see, did it have to be that one? So, my head dropped right back down, and for the first time since August, a tear came to my eye.
By the time I raised my head again, I had made it outside. I walked across wet grass and sat on a cobblestone wall next to the bay. When I looked up I saw my dark footprints in the grass. I laughed. I had walked one really crooked line to get to that wall. So typical me. I’ve never been one to go the easy, straight path. Both physically and psychologically, I don’t think my legs could take me on a straight path if they tried.
So, I sat there, my footprints in front of me, snapping pictures. And thinking to myself that I need to be optimistic again. That I may not take the easy way, but all of the curves in my life still get me to the exact place that I’m intended.
They told me it doesn’t look cancerous. And with one hour left, I’m determined to prove them RIGHT.
